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Post by nshansen on Nov 10, 2010 22:16:27 GMT -5
Read the thread again. Its in my last rp post.
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Mr. Durp
New Member
If it's time to go I'm already at the destination.
Posts: 32
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Post by Mr. Durp on Nov 11, 2010 23:52:15 GMT -5
Asis' mortal wounds surging pain through-out his body. He couldn't take it. With the dustflier coming towards him and the wyverns holding his shoulders, he had to do something. Something fast. He struggled, slashed at the wyverns' feet with his hands. As Asis was dropped he could feel the dustflier now making a straight drop down towards him. Asis quickly shifted position so he would fall faster and head first into the ground. He had forgoten about his pain. Now three mortal threats were chasing him, two wyverns, and a dustflier. All ready to kill. Asis stretched out all of his limbs so he would fall faster. His enemies flew right past him. They quickly went back to following Asis. Asis in fighting position, was tying to jab at the enemy's bellies. He was still falling.
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Post by nshansen on Nov 13, 2010 13:07:11 GMT -5
For one, don't double post. Plus, you have to wait your turn before you can continue. Either delete your second post or copy the stuff in the second post and put it in the first one
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Mr. Durp
New Member
If it's time to go I'm already at the destination.
Posts: 32
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Post by Mr. Durp on Nov 13, 2010 16:31:29 GMT -5
sorry bout that, I didn't know.
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Post by nshansen on Nov 13, 2010 17:33:52 GMT -5
(Once again, you are powerplaying the heartless. I control the heartless. Not you. If I wasn't in this thread, and you and one other person was, you could somewhat control the heartless.
Right now, you are not changing the tenses, which is good. But you have a few grammar errors.
When it should go like, "Asis, in a fighting position, tried to jab at the enemies' bellies." When you have two or more things, a comma should go after the "s" instead of before.
Also, what is he using to jab? His hands? You should specify what you are saying. Plus, slashing heartless feet using your hands doesn't do much. Unless you have very long and sharp nails, that couldn't be possible. But since this is academy, I'll let it slide.)
A frown appeared on the Barrier Master's face as the little heartless watched the boy escape. Damn't. The Dustflier soared through the sky rapidly, catching up to the child. The other wyverns were following the Dustflier close behind. Meanwhile, the large body was standing still on the ground, waiting for the child.
The Dustflier, without orders, opened its gigantic mouth and summoned several fire balls. The fire balls flew right out of its mouth and went for the kid. The Dustflier controlled where the fire balls would go, and made sure their target was the boy. The child would have to have a really good strategy inorder to dodge the fire.
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Mr. Durp
New Member
If it's time to go I'm already at the destination.
Posts: 32
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Post by Mr. Durp on Nov 13, 2010 21:33:02 GMT -5
As the fireballs invaded Asis' territory in the sky, his only choice was to get hit and not killed. Hitting the ground with a "splat" and all of his inerds (yes it is a word) spread out across the ground sounded better than being mentaly (and physicaly) scared for life. "Time to die, bitch," Asis said on his decent. Mabye it would be good to die Asis thought to himself. One of the fireballs made contact with his body and exploded all around his body.
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Post by nshansen on Nov 14, 2010 17:17:09 GMT -5
( Okay, first error I saw was this.
It would have to be, "get hit and not be killed" Otherwise, it wouldn't make sense. Plus, "inerds" is "inards".
Between "ground" and "sounded", there should either be a "." or ";".
"Time to die, bitch"? Was he talking to himself or something? That doesn't make sense at all. Thats pretty much all the errors I see.
Now, one more thing. Are you trying to get your character killed to end this session. No, this doesn't work that way. This session ends when I say so. And right now, you need better grammar and stuff, so this will continue. I will give you another chance to get your guy back up and do something.)
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Mr. Durp
New Member
If it's time to go I'm already at the destination.
Posts: 32
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Post by Mr. Durp on Nov 14, 2010 18:15:38 GMT -5
(He ment to say it to either himself or to his enemies, one of the two were gonna die. And no I'm not trying to end the session.)
As the first fireball exploded around him, he could only feel anger as if the pain was "poof!" gone. He tried to deflect the other one, but that too exploded around his body. He stopped. Just as if he were flying but with no wings. He just stopped, in mid-air, standing, he stopped. His sword flew towards him. A bright glow surronded his sword. It instantly changed. there was two wings on either side of the handle. And it was more triangular at the end. He also had small (what seemed to be angel) wings. Also on his headband, the squiggly line was repeated through-out -a line simmulation- itself.
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Post by David Bowie on Nov 15, 2010 18:26:45 GMT -5
[Hello, Xahnel, stepping in for just a moment: Ikedon, you should write your posts in Microsoft Word before posting. That will allow you to catch grammar errors before you post, snd make reading them easier on everyone else. Remember: You know what you mean, but we don't.]
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Post by nshansen on Nov 18, 2010 17:29:28 GMT -5
(Okay, no grammar errors I see in this yet, but I do have one problem.
Its not important here, since anything that happens here never happened, so basically the impossible can happen. But, just to let you know, you must stay with the character power limits in the real game. Anything like this happens, you will be punished, just to let ya know.)
The barrier master's little eyes widened at the sight of the child's change of appearence. Great, now the boy actually stood a chance. The Dustflier kept soaring to the boy, no matter what he looked like. The Wyverns were following closely. The fire still went for him with increasing speed.
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Mr. Durp
New Member
If it's time to go I'm already at the destination.
Posts: 32
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Post by Mr. Durp on Nov 18, 2010 20:25:16 GMT -5
His actions were increased but little. His strength the same as actions. He still stood little chance against the balls of flaming, firy, flamyness. His sword held virticaly up and down. The fire of ballness now hurteling towards him. What do I do!? he thought. The fireball made full contact with what stood in front of him.
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Post by nshansen on Nov 22, 2010 7:50:47 GMT -5
(Okay, you're post doesn't even make sense, I can't even reply to that. Your first two sentences are very confusing. I don't know if its grammar errors or something else, cause I don't know what you are trying to say.
"His sword held vertically up and down"? No, can you please tell me what he does, instead of just saying where his sword is, because that isn't even a correct sentence. Use a writing program or something to correct your sentences so I don't have to. It should be like this, "He then held his sword vertically up and down," okay?
Next sentence, same thing. "The fire of ballness was hurteling towards him." Remember, past tense.
You forgot "" in your thought. "What did I do!?" Which doesn't make sense. What was he thinking about? He just transformed into angel clothing with wings! It doesn't make sense. "The fireball made full contact with what stood in front of him," Okay, don't make this a mystery. You have to explain everything. What he sees, does, etc. You can't leave it a mystery.
Now, your posts are too short. Explain more, do more, say more, think more, etc. Please give me a long repost, thats a good two paragraphs.)
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Mr. Durp
New Member
If it's time to go I'm already at the destination.
Posts: 32
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Post by Mr. Durp on Nov 24, 2010 1:32:10 GMT -5
His body had various signs of damage. Asis had no idea he was now falling. He off in a dream state. In an white aera with no one but himself. "I need to wake up," he yelled in his dream. His eyes snapped open only seconds before he hit the ground. A giant explosion that streched for miles. After the effect wore off a bloody mess of a man lay there unmoving.
(sorry it's about a little short)
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